No, I don’t have a WAD rant to publish. I wrote one of those three years ago. What I have been doing a lot of—besides sleeping—is drafting and reviewing a series of important posts for publication later this month. December is a notable month for a couple of reasons, and I have been preparing quite a bit of material for publication. I hope I don’t chicken out.
What I have to say in future posts is not going to be easy, and I have some concerns about what effect these reports will have on people I have come to consider friends and family, but it is a part of my story that my conscience refuses to allow me to continue to keep buried much longer.
Meanwhile, I have been fighting severe fatigue again, and that has led me back into that dark place called depression. I don’t want to write about that, of course. I want to write only about successes and victories. Twice last month I felt the onset of shingles in my left eye. The first time I was able to send it into remission quickly and with no evidence of an outbreak. The second time, the inflammation persisted for nearly two weeks, and I am only now feeling as if I might have kept it from erupting into a serious and disfiguring outbreak, like the one that hospitalized me in September, 2012.
I feel more and more vulnerable to attacks on my health these days. Attending Gos Blank’s memorial service only drove home for me how quickly we can be disappeared from this plane of existence.
I have not given up, but I am certainly discouraged. The bathroom project that I started a few months ago has been abandoned for the time being, and not just because of lack of energy or interest. Financial pressures are also greatest this time of year, as we scramble to find money to pay property taxes.
What I have learned over the years is that this kind of depression is cyclical, and possibly seasonal as well, hence the term SAD in the headline: Seasonal Affective Disorder. In the past I might have resorted to so-called “anti” depressant drugs, but I have managed well enough without them for more than five years now, and I’m not about to resort to them again. The St. John’s Wort, which does seem to help me, is contraindicated while taking the antiretroviral drug darunavir. I think it’s a good idea to take a break from such natural products anyway.
Indeed, I’m rethinking all the supplements I have been taking. I will soon find out what the results of the latest stool tests show, regarding my dysbiotic gut, as well as a confirmatory AMAS test for cancer. I’ve got appointments at the end of the month for some other tests, but I don’t know yet if I’ll have them done or not.
As I shared with another friend who is struggling with his own serious health problems on the other side of the world, I’ve learned to accept that depression is an essential part of my existence, and that the best thing for me to do is to simply flow with it, while frequently asserting: “this too shall pass”.